*Spoiler alert* This post is going to be depressing. It's a vent. You might think I'm an awful person for feeling the way I feel, but if you do, you've either 1) never been a mother 2) never admitted to having similar feelings or 3) haven't had the same experience as me, so whatever.

Today sucked. I'd say the highlight of today is that it's over. Nearly, anyway. I'm really tired of sucky days...that almost always revolve around Jillian as the cause of them. She's on her 2nd full day of this new medicine, and had 2 reflux episodes, threw up, then spit up. (The spit up thing is weird cause she NEVER spits up, only vomits...but the medicine is supposed to debunk it all).


Hopefully I forget all of this mess, or else the poor girl won't have any siblings.

I hated being a mom today. I HATE thinking that. I don't think I was cut out for the whole stay-at-home-mom deal..I wouldn't survive it. (There was no school today so we had a 3 day weekend together). Exhausted doesn't even begin to describe...from giving her 6 doses of medicine a day (2 doses of Prevacid, and 4 doses of the new stuff I can't pronounce), feeding her every 2 hours (which by the time she's done and I get her down for a nap is about a 30 min. break in between), and dealing with her fussiness, I'm ready to throw in the towel.

What am I supposed to be learning in all this? Anything? My Dad made that point the other day when I was talking to him. Patience? Humility? To be okay with the following saying: "ya get what ya get, so don't throw a fit?" Am I just supposed to just deal with "what I got?"

It's hard not to be jealous...envious of other babies who sleep allll the time, who hardly cry, merely grunt when they need something, who can already do things like roll over, when I can't even put Jillian on her tummy for that long because of her reflux.

Everybody says it's supposed to get better. "Just wait, I PROMISE it gets better!" Well. I'm quickly losing sight of when that day will come. We're quickly approaching the end of medical options to help her out before we just have to live with it until she outgrows it (most likely by 6 months...but that's 4 months away). Matter of fact there are only two things left on the list: one other type of medication with possible side effects, or going up to Primary Children's hospital for a scope. Dr. Kendall said needing a scope is very rare- only about 1 in 100. So far I'd say Jillian is definitely in the minority of statistics at this point, so it could be very possible.


Today sucked.


  1. you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel the way you feel. on sunday, someone said something like parenthood is, at times, more obligation than love. of course, there's love and loyalty in the obligation, but i nodded. someone who is newly married and doesn't have kids turned to me and brent and said "really?" and i was like "yep. at least 10% of the day is obligation." some days it's more. some days you wake up and feel like you can't quite face it. those are the obligation days. other days, you wake up delighted by a giggle or a smile. those are the love days.

    you're going to make it through this. jillian is lucky to have you as her mom, and you guys will find your way. and if nothing else, you will learn just how strong and patient you already are. sometimes i think that's the lesson--to teach us what we ALREADY are. but it doesn't mean it doesn't suck royally in the meantime.

    hang in there. you are not forgotten. jillian is not forgotten. Heavenly Father is in your corner.

  2. Sorry it was such a rough day. Parenthood is not easy, that's for sure, but especially when you have all these troubles with your poor little babe. I don't get how you do it....manage all of these problems with Jillian and then somehow stay on top of school. You're amazing! Don't give up...you're a great mom! Good thing Jillian is so cute to distract you from the tough times! Wish I lived close so we could go get a pedicure! Miss you!

  3. Love ya Whitney! So sorry Jillian is having such a hard start, and therefore you are having an even more difficult time. But you are still giving her all the love you have to give and therefore she is a blessed baby girl. Just keep pushing, there have been lots of times all I could do was just keep forcing myself to deal with each day with the little sanity/ energy I had left, I just kept pushing and that is unfortunately all we can do through those "sucky" times. We love yall lots. And yall are continually in our prayers!


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